My favorite message lies in the cracked spine of my freshman year, from a senior I knew only through mutual friends and over-congested movie nights. Friendly, but not really a friend:
Ellen,
You, my dear, are a light in a very, very dark world. Don't ever change that.
~ A
I'd laughed the first time I'd read it; my name is derived from the Greek word meaning "light" (as in weight, not what spews out of a lamp when you turn it on. But, for the sake of this piece, we can look at both meanings). At fifteen, the sentiment was nice, and extremely appreciated, but it was just there, I suppose. A beautiful coincidence. But then, over the next few years, I found myself hearing it over and over again. Classmates said I "shone". Teachers noted how I "illuminated" new ideas. And friends told me how the days seemed just a little bit more bearable when I was around.
What if there was something more to behind being "light"? Could something as simple and random as my name have any impact on what made me me? Did names impact the outcome of others, or was this a phenomenon reserved only for "Ellen"s?
All the baby name books in Barnes and Nobles (and Waldenbooks and Borders...) and all the websites told me the same thing. "Light". Sometimes it went on to explain further; airy, gentle, uplifting. Deeper research lead to personality profiles for all the "Ellen"s of the world. According to Kablarian's, having the name "Ellen" guarantees these traits (I have bolded those which I agree with/would apply to myself):
- A friendly, approachable, and generous demeanor
- Good-natured, though prone to being blunt and sarcastic
- Naturally talkative, finding it easy to meet new, varied people
- Sympathetic to the plight of others
- Very firm in ideas, though needs encouragement to actually act upon them
- Respond quickly to affection and praise
- Artistic and creative, primarily in the arenas of music (especially vocal performance), sewing, or interior decorating
- Struggle with emotions
- Prone to depression, liver ailments, and diseases effecting the bloodstream
Other than pretty much being told I'm dying of leukemia someday, the list didn't seem half-bad. What really astounded me was how incredibly accurate this analysis was. But there are thousands of "Ellen"s in the world (it's an old-fashioned name, so that might be dwindling); what the hell could make us all so similar? It couldn't have been a shared history. I only knew two other Ellen's growing up: my great-grandmother, born the only surviving daughter to Slovakian immigrant farmers in 1907 and a girl five years my senior, the middle between a boy and a girl. They were the products of happy marriages, while my parents were falling apart.
Then I started to wonder how I might have been different if my parents had gone with some of the other names they had considered. Would a "Grace" still care about the needs of others? Would a "Paisley" still have loved to sing until her throat went raw? And would one more "Mary" in the family (if my parents had gone with it, I would have been the 4th) still feel anxious in a crowded room?
I'd like to think that, if I happened to be anything other than "Ellen", I would still be Ellen; not the name, but the soul that lives within. It can't be my name that creates me, because I'm pretty sure I'm the only "Ellen" that used REC and El Orfanato to help study for her Spanish speaking exams. I'm probably the only "Ellen" that pounds birth control and Prozac each morning with a 12 ounce Red Bull. I'm the only "Ellen" who finds romance in a funeral home reception hall. Onward and onward, forever and ever, amen...
Being one of the universe's "lights" is just an added bonus, really.
This will be good discussion in class, no doubt. And let me get the ball rolling by asking: could you include other names and their meanings? Other names you'd longed for? Other names you'd always wished to encompass? I always wanted to be an Amanda, or at least a name with 3 syllables. Great topic for an essay because it runs so deep--names--and they're so prophetic, as you point out.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your personality would be affected by something as cursory as a name -- it makes more sense that it's a combination of your genes, upbringing, and environment, right? It is kind of fun to look name etymology up though.
ReplyDeleteI love name meanings! However, with a name like "John" it is not wholey individualistic (is that a word? lol). Anyway, it is definitely a cool subject. I once subscribed to the belief that "every man and woman is a star." I guess you would probably agree with that philosophy
ReplyDeleteI certainly hope there's not too much meaning to names, as Logan means "little hollow." Not sure what exactly that would mean for me. However I do agree that your name fits you very well, and I tend to wonder sometimes if people who share the same name often share similar traits. For instance every Amber I have ever know share at least one particular trait that I can think of. I won't say what exactly in case an Amber decides to read this.
ReplyDeleteWell, if it's Greek you're after, my name (real name) means "Healer". But Jason is also famous in the Greek for "leading" the Argonauts. He and I have very little in common though. But more to the point, I think our names are crucial in determining who we are. While "Ellen" might not come with a set of rules, I'd say the name must have, on some unconscious level, shaped you in some way.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reflectiveness and with the cerebral questioning tone of your essay, this definitely qualifies. I loved the search for self identity here as well. I always hated my name. I never looked up the entomology since I hated it. My ex asked me once what would I change it to if I could and to this day, I cannot come up with a comfortable exchange.
ReplyDeleteI especially enjoyed the last line for the multi-leveled spiritual context. Good Work.
I've always found name meanings and other such retroactive descriptors (birth signs and the like) to be self-fulfilling: we see that people of this particular bent are "supposed" to be a certain way, and thus we become that way, consciously or otherwise.
ReplyDelete